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  Confessions of a Black Mother

  May 10, 2020

  In lieu of having two adult children, I've had time to go back and reconsider how I raised
  them. If I could do it over again, I would have been more emotionally available. My
  reason for not doing so was my previous belief that it would weaken them if they had
  gotten used to being treated a certain way and I knew this society would not treat them
  the same way. I wanted them to have tough skin so that they could survive.
  Unfortunately, in this society, black people are not looked at with empathy and
  compassion. There is more public outrage when animals are being abused than when a
  black child playing in a playground is shot by a cop or is killed for walking to a store for
  candy in his own neighborhood.
  My main goals were to make sure they were financially literate, had critical thinking
  skills, had a strong work ethic, had social skills, knew how to cook, clean and maintain
  their own living space. I also raised them thinking that if anything happened to me, I
  wanted the peace of mind that they could survive without me. Tomorrow is not
  promised to anybody. I thought it was selfish of me to let my kids depend on me for
  things they could and should be doing for themselves.
  When I was in middle school, my parents would give me all of my lunch money on
  Monday and I would have to budget it to make sure I would eat all week. If I spent it
  prematurely, I would be hungry for lunch for the rest of the week. I quickly learned to
  budget, and this skill has helped me throughout my adult life.  So, I taught my kids to be
  disciplined with money by initially taking them with me to the stores and discussing
  prices and how to look for discounts and budgeting their money. To this day, they are
  both frugal and at 25, my youngest bought his first home.
  In order for them to be able to make responsible life decisions, it was essential that they
  had critical thinking skills. I used every opportunity that I could to instill this. As soon as
  they were able to make decisions, I would allow them to pick their own clothes. I would
  teach them directions and ask them to show me how to get home from a subway map.
  We lived in Brooklyn, NY at the time. I also taught them how to play chess. This taught
  them how to make strategic decisions in life. I definitely see the benefit of these skills in
  their adult life. Their life decisions are well thought out before implementing.
  It was important for me to instill a disciplined work ethic in them. I never gave them
  anything extra. I convinced them that they had to earn what they wanted by doing extra
  chores or by creating hobbies that provided a source of income. My youngest started
  making spinners in elementary school and was selling them for a quarter. He'd save up
  his money to buy candy or toys because that’s what he wanted. To see the pride in his
  eyes when he earned his money and bought his favorite trinkets was an indication to me
  that the lesson was learned. I would repeat to them "The world doesn't owe you
  anything" like it was told to me. So, I've never expected anyone to come to my rescue. Everything I have ever had, I worked hard for and I wanted them to have the same
  attitude in life.
  It was also important for me to teach them how to properly love and respect women.
  First, by not letting them witness anyone disrespecting their own mother and by literally
  giving them advice about how to approach and interact with females. I'll never forget
  when my youngest wanted to ask a girl in his class to the school's Valentine's Day dance.
  I took him to the store and bought him some candy and a small teddy bear. When he
  went to school the next day and followed my instructions, he literally ran back home
  excited and told me she said "yes." The excitement in his eyes were as priceless as they
  are today when I see him in love with his wife. The happiness in her eyes shows me that
  he learned how to love a woman well.
  Having chores around the house was a double lesson. This instilled a solid work ethic
  and sense of community because we all had to maintain the space that we equally
  shared. This also taught them how to maintain their own living quarters as adults. My
  oldest son was shocked when he went to college and some of his fellow classmates didn't
  know how to properly do their laundry. So, the years of separating clothes and knowing
  the correct temperature to wash them was an appreciated skill when his mother was no
  longer around.
  If I could do it all over again, I would have given more hugs and kisses. We would have
  had more conversations about their emotions and what they were going through. I
  couldn't give them something that I didn't have. My family wasn't really big on hugs
  either. It was only after going to therapy myself that I understood the importance of
  mental and emotional health in maintaining a happy adulthood. Hopefully, I can instill
  this in my grandchildren when they arrive one day.

  Tags: Motherhood, Ikeoma Divine, rootwork, third eye lounge, 3rd eye lounge, black mother, sons

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